I think that it is only fair to point out that nothing in my life can be simple, and that even holds true when I am on my way to a relaxing vacation. For reasons that are best left unexplained Veronica and I ended up meeting her mother at a grocery store. For those of you who don’t know, I have heard nothing but the most interesting stories about my Mother-in-Law and shopping; which shouldn’t be a surprise because it is difficult enough to take her into public, adding a monetary transaction and tons of random items sounds like a recipe for mayhem when she is involved. I would say that it is like a kid in a candy store, but she ends up getting way more distracted and excited than a child ever could.
Part way through the excursion I was encouraged to pick up something so I could write about it later, which basically was my mother-in-law telling me to update the website more. The upside of this is that she was willing to pay for anything that I could make an even passing argument about it being interesting and entertaining to include in this feature. The downside of that is that I walked away with a handful of really odd things that I kind of stared at when we ended up getting home from the trip, things that would have to be ingested.
The idea behind buying the ear of cornball was that I would force Veronica to eat it, mainly because she loves both popcorn and things that I pass off as candy. It turns out that Tom Sawyer can only tell the neighborhood kids to paint his fence so many times before they wise up to the fact that it isn’t fun. So at this point Mark Twain’s character is left painting a fence and I am left having my wife watch me while I eat a strangely oily and stale lump of popcorn and nuts. I am not saying it was bad, just that Veronica clearly got the better end of this deal.
You know what is awesome? The jerky of pretty much anything. Something else that rocks pretty hard is novelty food, so the concept of novelty jerky is kind of hard to pass up. Considering that it was alligator, and we are located exactly hundreds of miles away from anyplace that would support such a creature I felt that jerky was one of the safer ways to consume this beast; although in hindsight I probably would have bought an alligator steak that said “fresh” on it as well under the same novelty based logic. I think I figured out why Veronica doesn’t let me grocery shop anymore.
I have had alligator before. It was a cross between venison and fish. That is not what this tasted like. It was kind of like a Slim Jim that had decided it didn’t need to be internally cohesive anymore and had all of the flavor go from meat substitute to really strong and overpowering spice. Not spicy like it was really hot either, but more along the lines of that being the only thing that you could taste while the “meat” fell apart in your mouth like bad gum.
One of the last things that I will talk about buying on the trip was an energy drink during some of the last hours of the drive. The reason, if it wasn’t clear, that I picked this one over anything else in the store was because it was called speed; at one in the morning when you have been driving for hours and the person in the passenger seat is snoring it’s almost a promise and not a clever marketing name. I remember two things about the drink: the first is that it woke me up really quickly after drinking it, so it is a success in the way of a caffeinated drink. The second is that I described it to Chris later as tasting like licking a wrestler’s back.
Also, this happened. I don’t think I really need to describe any of this.