The New Wife Agro System

I run a video game focused website, aside from this one which is more about every day adventures in a language that my mom can read.  Over the course of time I have talked about the highs and the lows and most facets of games, on that site.  I would love to say that one day I had a stroke of genius and came up with an amazing idea to change all that, but it turns out that one of the fans of my site is a really talented artist.  Naturally the first thing that I did is flood him with the stupidest ideas I could come up with and see what I could get back.  One of those ideas was basing all video game reviews on how angry my wife got at me while playing.

Here is the results:

1. 1star alone

The image of a happy woman.  For the pure sake of argument I should probably point out that Veronica (the woman I married) is never this happy about anything that I do.  Ever.  Based on the joy in her eyes I would go so far as to say this resembles someone else’s wife and not the one that I know and love.  I guess the argument could be made that a game that was given this ranking was so bad I became a better husband because it made me never want to play games ever again and thus the adoring female.

2.When she thinks you are using your cellphone to prove her wrong

In my mind I refer to this one as, “are you trying to prove me wrong on Wikipedia” grade.  This is when one really isn’t that highly involved enough in a game to draw the full aggression, but has just enough that they have noticed us constantly being on a phone or computer. Most of the time cellphone games rank in this area resulting in me not actively taking part in whatever adventure she thinks is happening and she is aware of that, but unsure why.  The above comment about Wikipedia was from one such advent where I simply agreed and allowed things to drop instead of letting on that I wasn’t even listening in the first place.

3.3star alone

This is where I think my wife is most of her life, why she continues to love me is anyone’s guess (I like to believe that she constantly uses the wrong dosage on the poison and I have simply built up a resistance.).  With my buying and playing habits of games it is enough that it annoys her that I am using the TV instead of letting her watch Downton Abbey or something equally not video games.  Generally I get this face a ton with the “just a couple more minutes” line while attempting to blow her off and play a game instead of paying attention.  Please notice the hint of sadness in her eyes as she has realized that, on some level, this is a little her fault too.

4.4star alone

This is the kind or reaction that a game should get from my wife.  See the seething rage?  See how she is about to start bringing up my short comings and stupid things that I did just weeks after we met?  This is the game that completely reducing my marriage to my wife being infuriated at me for completely avoiding basic attempts at human contact.  This isn’t a divorce or attempted murder, because I think that she still thinks there is hopes of “fixing” things.  This is the moment that she has decided to stop being nice, but also knows that she can still break the game disc if needed.

5.5star alone

The things that were said about number 4 no longer apply.  I am either going to be murdered in my sleep or very publicly as she calls her friends over to watch the terrible and horrible things that she does to my once life filled body.  It doesn’t matter, a game that ranks at level five means that I won’t even leave the front of the television during the assault.  When the police come to question her she will get off on the technicality that the jails have become over run with women who did the same thing and they simply can’t be bothered with it anymore.

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2 Responses

  1. Wifey says:

    I look cute with bangs.

  2. Marylou says:

    I don’t know if this funny (VERY funny!) or not. Mostly a little scary. Just remember, Veronica, you can’t give him back, but please leave the apartment before you get to number 5. Thank you in advance, because we both know he will get to number 5.
    Bangs? I don’t know…