How does an adventure start?
Wife: “Want to go to Long Island to visit my mom? She is paying”
If you can notice in this picture we are about to cross the George Washington Bridge. Please take not that the traffic that you see is not during rush hour. We did not drive during rush hour, yet I have three pictures on my camera from roughly the same spot taken about a minute apart. I now know why Spider-Man never got his drivers license.
It turns out that Veronica’s mother lives next to an inlet that connects almost directly to the ocean. In my mind that explains all of the humidity that we where forced to live through while there (I have experienced less swimming), although it does not explain the amount of heat. When I tried to blame this heat on Kate, someone you will be introduced to later (who is a sort-of local) she tried to blame it on the entire lack of trees in NYC. I still think that it is her fault though.
You would think that Veronica’s mother is happy to see us, but the truth of the matter is that we brought her good stuff. The entire point of the trip was to bring her a sewing machine, which as insane as it sounds is truth. Besides that I think that she wanted us down there so she could order Chinese and have someone else look up the number and make the call for her. This also may sound insane but when half the experience is talking her down from ordering one of everything on the menu, most of which she won’t eat, you can sort of see the logic behind having a buffer between them and the person taking the order.
So this is Kate. Most of you may not know this story, but it is a good one. Several years ago Kate and I became friends because we were both massive geeks and we both worked at Best Buy. We hung out a lot, watching terrible movies and playing video games. One night when her boyfriend and her where over at my apartment Veronica called. Veronica had driven from downstate all the way up to try and win me over again. I hung up on her. Through Kate’s advice I called Veronica back and told her where I lived. It is thus Kate’s fault that I got married and everything that has ever happened since.
If you will notice in the background the signs on “The Saddest Mall in America” many of them aren’t even attempts at being creative. One of them is literally called “Pancakes” and another is “Frame Art”. I know that it is near the city and it is important to come up with a name that is different that others, but when you name your pancake place “Pancake” it is better if you just don’t open it. The mall felt like the place that all stores go to when they refuse to admit that they have no customer base. The hobby store there had dot matrix printouts advertising all kinds of terrible collectibles no one has been into for many years. I also think it is the last place in the civilized world allowed to sell POGs.
The movie pit isn’t really anything new. It is where stores throw all of the movies that they are trying to get ride of as cheaply as possible. At 3 dollars a copy of Time Cop 4 almost sounds like a steal. The only thing that really separates this pit from others of its kind is its location inside a Toy*R*Us. That might not seem like a whole lot, as most of the pit is home to the most forgettable and terrible child based movies man has ever pressed on disc. What is amazing is that scattered throughout are little R rated gems like “Highlander Endgame,” and “Major League” both movies that I remember having various forms of nudity in. Also Highlander is about cutting dudes heads off with a sword.